Associated Press - Internet gambling to be legalized in US

[The Judge]

U.S. to legalize internet gambling
AP

April 1, 2010

In a stunning move, President Obama announced plans to legalize internet sports gambling with the tax revenue offsetting healthcare costs. Speaking without a teleprompter, Obama stated “… It is my hope that the everlasting spirit of America will endure as it has endured throughout the history of this country. A nation that has overcome tremendous struggles in the past, but yet, has many more struggles to face. Struggles that will test the character of this nation, they will take time, but we shall overcome all obsticles…”

MSNBC immediately pronounced this the greatest speech ever given by an American President.

MSNBC talkshow host Chris Matthews noted that his leg tingled the most ever when the President uttered those words. Male members of the production crew, recalling what happened the last time Matthews’ leg tingled, ran off the set.

When asked to clarify the President’s comments, Robert Gibbs, Obama’s Press Secretary, said “Ahh… clearly… ahh… the President… ahh… was clearly… ahh… being clear… Next question!”

Reaction around Washington was mixed. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi were in a meeting when the announcement came out. Witnesses state that the Senator leaped to his feet, gave a rebel yell, grabbed Pelosi and kissed her. Pelosi responded by kneeing Reid in the groin. Senator Reid was transported to Walter Reid Hospital for treatment. There is no word as to the status of Senator Reids’ remaining testicle.

Republicans immediately denounced the plan. Senate Minority Leader replied “In a poor attempt to sway voters and detract from the socialist agenda being rammed down the throats of the people, the President is trying to bribe the American people and reduce the staggering losses the Democratic Party will face in November.” One unnamed Democratic colleague replied with a “No Shit!”

Senator Jim Demint of Florida was overheard offering to bet a staffer that it would not pass.

There was a large Tea Party protest planned for Friday in Washington DC. Organizers postponed the event due to numerous cancellations as protesters opted to fill out parlay cards instead. MSNBC talking heads immediately noted this as another sign of rampant racism on the part of Tea Party astro-turfers as most athletes are black.

Pundit Glenn Beck stated on his show “Yet another Progressive attempt to undermine the foundation of the Constitution and this country. America WAKE UP!”

Building mogul Donald Trump has already announced plans to build four internet casinos throughout the country. When told that internet-based casinos do not need multiple buildings throughout the country, Trump replied “…. Oh…”

UFC champion Georges St-Pierre, Dr. Weisner’s associate, noted that it was impolite to ask for such names. The topic was quickly changed.

Jay Cohen, WSEX founder, began dancing an Irish jig and screaming “I’M BACKKKKK!!!!”. Others, trying to sleep in the Homeless shelter, cursed him and told him to shut up.

Internet posting sensation BeantownJim said “Finally, now I do not have to deal with the boys”

This reporter was able to contact gambling legend Billy Walters and asked him about his reaction to the news that Internet gambling would be legalized. Mr. Walters stated, “Gambling? What is this gambling? I just own golf courses, I do not know anything about gambling…”

[Romanowski]

lol

[TheHippieRipper]

april fools!