The Best Divorce Letter

Lukester · #1 07-11-2009, 09:37 PM

The Best Divorce Letter:
-----------------------

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.
I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you
quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new hair cut,
had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.
You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of
your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or
anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me
or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Signed,
Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ______
Dear Ex-Husband:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true that you and I have been married for seven years,
although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping.
Too bad that doesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!'
Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER,
because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them,
and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.
So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica .
But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.

My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl.
I hope that's not going to be a problem.

ghoopin · #2 07-11-2009, 09:41 PM

This shit would only happen to me.

Bobtheicon · #3 07-11-2009, 09:50 PM

I fail to see the humor in this. Feminism is frowned upon here at the Mall.

Lukester · #4 07-11-2009, 10:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bobtheicon

I fail to see the humor in this. Feminism is frowned upon here at the Mall.

I've received this in two emails this months--and they came from two females. I figured I'd post it this time. BTW, is the Mall linked to Al Bundy's "No Ma'am" Club?

PHILLYBIRDS20 · #5 07-11-2009, 10:36 PM

how did ur boyfriend take the letter luke

Lukester · #6 07-11-2009, 10:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PHILLYBIRDS20

how did ur boyfriend take the letter luke

Is that you Carl?

PHILLYBIRDS20 · #7 07-11-2009, 11:11 PM

Pieces to the puzzle are complete

Chris46139 · #8 07-12-2009, 07:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lukester

I've received this in two emails this months--and they came from two females. I figured I'd post it this time. BTW, is the Mall linked to Al Bundy's "No Ma'am" Club?

Guarantee you don't know the email address of two females, nice try

Lukester · #9 07-12-2009, 11:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chris46139

Guarantee you don't know the email address of two females, nice try

WRONG!

I have over 200 email names in my address book and most are females. No, I'm no gigolo but they're all clients of mine and all are friends--nothing what comes to your mind first either--I've never put a hit on any of them and doubt I will. I often go to some of their lil' BBQ parties and bring my gal along. Even if I go alone nothing ever happens except a barrel of laughs and meet more of their friends--and that means a couple more new clients. You see, I don't advertise. All my new work clientele is done and gained through word of mouth.