Classic One-Liners From Rodney Dangerfield

[Keith]

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home."
I went over.......Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the Kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked "Why?" He said "Because you came home early."

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex...she called me from Chicago last night.

[Henry09]

funny shit Keith

[Keith]

Originally Posted by Henry09

funny shit Keith

thanks Henry. Rodney was hysterical. Not just the lines--the delivery as well.

[walk066]

It's a shame I am too young to have seen his work. Just the voice cracks me up.

[Keith]

Originally Posted by walk066

It's a shame I am too young to have seen his work. Just the voice cracks me up.

walk--he was a classic. His movies (Caddyshack, Back to School, Easy Money) do not even begin to do him justice.

[TCD619]

"BACK TO SCHOOL" has been on alot lately.

Mr Melon, lol!

[cheezer]

My father never liked me. He used to say "Go in the backyard and play hide and go f*ck yourself."

My wife isn't too smart. She has to reach inside her bra to count to two.

[cheezer]

a few more......

I was such an ugly kid ... when I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I was such an ugly baby ... my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said " on your mark ......"

One time I went into a hotel, I asked the bellhop to handle my bag - he felt up my wife

People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them " are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.

FAT. My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing
She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.
She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.
She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

[Keith]

Originally Posted by cheezer

a few more......

I was such an ugly kid ... when I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I was such an ugly baby ... my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said " on your mark ......"

One time I went into a hotel, I asked the bellhop to handle my bag - he felt up my wife

People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them " are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.

FAT. My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing
She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.
She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.
She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

classics !!

thanks Cheezer

[SUPERSY8]

My wife, I tell yah. I tried to spice up my sex life. A bought a waterbed. She calls it the Dead Sea! Then I put mirrors on the walls and ceilings. Now I have six different views of her headache!

Sure she's ugly. When she walks into the kitchen the mice jump on the chairs!
I took her to a plastic surgeon, but all he wanted to do was add a tail!

I know she cheats on me. I ask the cab driver "hey buddy, take me to were I can get some action". He took me to my place!. I rented a car from the airport. I found her panties in the back seat!

My kids aren't any better. I put them in private school but they won't tell me were it is! My daughter has been picked up so many times she starting to grow handles! The guys call her Federal Express. When they go out with her they absolutely positively have to stay overnight! It took her 6 lessons to learn how to drive. They couldn't get her to sit upright in the seat!

God Bless Rodney and the comic genious he found in Sam Kennison.

[Keith]

Originally Posted by SUPERSY8

My wife, I tell yah. I tried to spice up my sex life. A bought a waterbed. She calls it the Dead Sea! Then I put mirrors on the walls and ceilings. Now I have six different views of her headache!

Sure she's ugly. When she walks into the kitchen the mice jump on the chairs!
I took her to a plastic surgeon, but all he wanted to do was add a tail!

I know she cheats on me. I ask the cab driver "hey buddy, take me to were I can get some action". He took me to my place!. I rented a car from the airport. I found her panties in the back seat!

My kids aren't any better. I put them in private school but they won't tell me were it is! My daughter has been picked up so many times she starting to grow handles! The guys call her Federal Express. When they go out with her they absolutely positively have to stay overnight! It took her 6 lessons to learn how to drive. They couldn't get her to sit upright in the seat!

God Bless Rodney and the comic genious he found in Sam Kennison.

LOL. More classics !

[jaypasco]

watched an interview with him on howardtv couple days ago, i believe from 2004. did not know he lived such a sad life, and never enjoyed his success.

[Shark23]

Originally Posted by jaypasco

watched an interview with him on howardtv couple days ago, i believe from 2004. did not know he lived such a sad life, and never enjoyed his success.

Jay's really getting in touch with his inner emotions since football season ended. Keep up the good work there, big fella!

[jd95]

Let me tell ya...when I was being born I was such a ugly baby that the Doctor smacked my Mother instead of me!

[cheezer]

I can't resist..........

On Halloween .... the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year... one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it's different...when I answer the door the kids hand me candy.

I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me? He said... I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said .... Alright.... you're ugly too!

I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.

I went to see my proctologist. He stuck his finger in my mouth.

With my wife I don't get no respect. Last night some guy knocked on the front door. She told me to hide in the closet; The other night she told me to take out the garbage. I told her I already took out the garbage. Then she told me to go out and keep an eye on it; I made a toast on her birthday to "the best woman a man ever had." The waiter joined me; She told me she wanted sex in the back seat of the car. I drove her and that guy around all night.

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff; When he told me I should start at the bottom. He was teaching me how to swim; He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.

A hooker told me "Not on the first date."

I told my doctor I wanted a vasectomy. He told me with a face like mine, I don't need one.

When I was a baby, I was so ugly my mother breast fed through a straw.



RIP Rodney. You will never be forgotten