Helpful hints for drunks here at cappersmall.

[Deck]

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE

SYMPTOM

CAUSE

CORRECTIVE ACTION

1.Feet cold and wet

Glass Being held at incorrect angle.

Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling

2.Feet warm and wet

Improper Bladder Control

Stand next to nearest dog; complain about lack of house training

3.Beer unusually pale and tasteless

a. Glass empty.

b. You're holding a Coors Lite

Get someone to buy you another beer

4.Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights

You have fallen over backward.

Have yourself leashed to bar

5.Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes

You have fallen forward

See above

6.Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet

a. Mouth not open

b. Glass applied to wrong part of face

Retire to restroom, practice in mirror

7.Floor Blurred

You are looking through bottom of empty glass

Get someone to buy you another beer

8.Floor moving

You are being carried out

Find out if you are being taken to another bar

9.Room seems unusually dark

Bar has closed

Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to
go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run

10.Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures

Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations

Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside

11.Everyone looks up to you and smiles

You are dancing on the table

Fall on someone cushy-looking

12.Beer is crystal-clear

It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up

Punch him

13.People are standing around urinals, talking or putting on makeup

You're in the ladies' room

Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the
hall. Try to get phone numbers (optional)

14.Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear

You have been in a fight

Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them

15.Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in

You've wandered into the wrong party

See if they have free beer

16.Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel
door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk

a. You're in jail

b. You're in the navy

Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new
roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach

17.You are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing
leather chaps

You're in a gay bar

Keeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit. Do not accept
offers for backrubs

18.Your singing sounds distorted

The beer is too weak

Have more beer until your voice improves

19.Don't remember the words to the song

Beer is just right

Play air guitar

[JeromeFromSoutheast]

thanks

[dollarbills]

nice.........had #9 last night

[JeromeFromSoutheast]

#12 happens to me frequently.... and it's usually my wife pulling the rug out from under me.

[Deck]

i hope you don't punch her.

[Deck]

i am all about #19 when hammered.

[DadAph]

Just thinking about a future hangover makes me not to drink since almost two decades now. But I still play that air guitar ...

Cheers!

[Seanie Mac]

deck ;eavie ti to us rewl drunks pleae

[Deck]

ok bro. 8 o clock and you are type slurring. love ya bro.

[Seanie Mac]

i get down

[Deck]

what is the flavor tonight?

[Seanie Mac]

capamin morgans, almosy on bottle #2

[Deck]

pint or litre?

[WildKat]

Don't know what you speak of...this drinking you speak of hmmm ...........never have I consumed alcoholic beverages and posted it in a thread for drunkards!!

[The Judge]

Originally Posted by Seanie Mac

deck ;eavie ti to us rewl drunks pleae

RMac? How did you log on as Seanie?