Hurting after Divorce

[philenium]

I have been divorced now for 2 years. Not legally yet, so I am separated. We have an amoving 2.5 year old son. I can't begin to describe how much I love him. I run down the days in the week before I get to see him again.

I didn't walk out on my family. We had some issues and I don't think that we really tried to work on them. I have never felt so much guilt in my life, and it is causing my health to go down hill. I think of my son daily and wonder how he is doing.

It's really wierd. I also feel bad for my ex even though I am paying through support and child care through the nose. There are days when I miss her and I think about how things could have been better.

I guess what I'm trying to ask is, how do I get the feeling of guilt to stop?

[Bobtheicon]

I think first you have to figure out if it is really guilt or regret.
If it is regret, then that can actually be a positive,.. a learning experience if you will.

If it is guilt, then that's gonna take some time. But you've got to find a way to forgive yourself. Just remember that you're not the only one to ever go through this, and I guarantee you a whole lot of people have it a whole lot worse than you.

You gotta find the positives. Check your negative thoughts. Write them down. Then try to find a positive in it (even if you don't believe it). Seriously, this works. write it down. Write down the positive, and keep doing it.

[ParrotHead]

Guilt is awful and it will take time. Trust me though stick it out and the light is brighter on the other side

Edit: Get rid of everything that you have of you and her, even if its hard to do. If you dont its just going to come back to haunt you. When you think, dont think of the good things, thing of everything that you have gone through. Its going to take time, just remember that

[Bozzie]

Take ownership for your action.

Accept that you are human and you are always acting the best you can in any moment given the circumstances.

Forgive yourself

Let go of the past and move on

GL Buddy

[philenium]

Thanks guys. I am trying my best to not think of it but it is also hard when I have to see her every other week when I drop off my son. I try to think of some of the crap she put me through and that I am better off and my son is also better off this way.

[Bozzie]

Originally Posted by philenium

Thanks guys. I am trying my best to not think of it but it is also hard when I have to see her every other week when I drop off my son. I try to think of some of the crap she put me through and that I am better off and my son is also better off this way.

good thing is your son gets to see his dad even if it is every other week..

feel better.

[Windy City Irish]

phil ive been separated for a month now and each day brings a new emotion. i tried to run away from it this weekend and visit friends but on the plane ride home felt like someone punched me in the face because i knew i was coming back to an empty home....

i agree with what Bob said about regret and guilt. i actually have both...i did things to drive her away, but i also regret not doing something about it earlier

you have to rely on your friends and family and get your mind on other things. worry about being the best dad you can and make sure he always knows who his dad is and helping to develop his life the best you can

[cman]

Being married is not for everyone and that is a choice

Being a parent is not...

Focus on that....if you put that first you two may should be together or not...but the kid could not be better off

wde....and send him to Auburn

wde

[ParrotHead]

Be happy that you are a parent. Not tryin to be a dick or anything, but at least you got to that point. Sucks it ended as it did, but care about your kid dude. Eventually I would love to have a kid and would love to be a parent dude.

Again, forget all the good things and shit. Get rid of it. Think about your kid dude

[Victor]

Work and focus on these steps. It will help and make you feel better. The quality of your life and the life of your child does not have to be over shadowed by divorce/seperation.

Gain perspective of your situation
Develop practical solutions to difficult problems
See possibilities while managing change
Tap into your strengths as a parent and a person
Move from feeling helpless to feeling in control of your life

[thinkingdog]

Forgive yourself. Let go.

And then focus on what's most important to you : your son.

Take care of yourself...your health is so very important. Don't let yourself continue this downward spiral - get back into shape, eat healthier. It will help you mentally and emotionally heal as well.

Plus, what good are you to your son if you're not around to watch him grow up. Focus on that.

Not everyone can stay married, but you will ALWAYS and FOREVER be a father.

[Gfym_3kDeep]

Good advice all.

I'm divorced and getting ready to go back to court to get the kids almost full time. I can tell you that for me it was about feeling the feelings and not trying to bury them and also getting a life. With my free time I did things I wanted to do for me. I.e. Gym, sports, concerts...whatever it is you like to do. But, most importantly focusing on you if not for you then do it for your son!

Don't worry about those things you cannot control. When I started doing that I learned that I don't control anything but myself and I have to let the rest go. And man has my life changed.

Hang in there...it will get better.

[cman]

by the way ....we have all been ready to give u advise...me included...how about a congrats to you

Hang in there bro...i am trying too as well

wde

[secondbase]

I split from my first marriage, just thought we were going thru the motions and fooling ourselves and I was not going to cheat- I about did, or sort of did- so I left.

Had two kids ages 3 and 5 and that was so tough, so tough. I saw them at least three times a week which was great, but when I took them home and my son would not let go of me , crying, each time. WOw, almost brings me back to tears again remembering all that.

Anyway, it was for the best, totally, and you need to realize that, go forward, remember the good times, cherish the time with your children, because believe me, time flies.
My 3 and 5 year olds are now 23 and 25 and I have a 16 year old with my current bride.

times change. YOu will be fine

[philenium]

Again, thanks everyone. I had my son this weekend and it was great. Dropping him off, not so great. I figure it gives me something to look forward to. Everytime I pick him up I ask him what he wants to do today, and everytime it's the same answer. I want to play cars with daddy. He makes me laugh.