My grandmother....

[Windy City Irish]

so a moral question for CM


my grandmother has been living with dementia now for 10 years and of course it has gotten worse as time has gone along to the point that she has no clue who her children or grandchildren are, able to make a coherent sentence, or even walk.

i got word yesterday that she is in the hospital and her health is quite poor. she is no longer eating, she is basically a vegetable mumbling to herself all day in her room, and physically breaking down.

is it wrong for me to want this to end! I mean, who wants to live like that. I just feel bad for "kind of" wanting her to pass away so she can just be peaceful and not live in this kind of state anymore.

[Dr. Jack]

I've gone through similar thoughts and questions

No I don't think there is anything wrong with you wanting her not to suffer and find some peace.

She has lived a long life and I guess we all wonder if someone in this type of condition or other conditions is really living.

Obviously you love your grandmother so I wouldn't worry about feeling guilty or whatever - it's hard for the entire family

[Windy City Irish]

she is 90 and up until the last week or so has always been in remarkable physical health. just her mind betrayed her over the last 10 years and its been tough to watch

i was already scheduled to go home to boston this weekend anyway to deal with my mother who has Alzheimer's ( running in the family i guess) so i guess its good timing to say goodbye to her.

just sucks that you know the end is near, and you have feelings that you want it to end for their sake and the whole family

[Keith]

I know all too well that feeling Dan--having gone through it with my grandparents, and then with my Dad after his car accident.

Take comfort in the fact that she has lived 90 years and that she is not in physical pain.

[mrwho]

i made a decision when i get older whether i have kids or one of my close relatives..if i get to a point where i'm suffering, i'll rather not live. I think its unfair to those around you to want to prolong such a painful experience.

[Victor]

Originally Posted by Windy City Irish

so a moral question for CM


my grandmother has been living with dementia now for 10 years and of course it has gotten worse as time has gone along to the point that she has no clue who her children or grandchildren are, able to make a coherent sentence, or even walk.

i got word yesterday that she is in the hospital and her health is quite poor. she is no longer eating, she is basically a vegetable mumbling to herself all day in her room, and physically breaking down.

is it wrong for me to want this to end! I mean, who wants to live like that. I just feel bad for "kind of" wanting her to pass away so she can just be peaceful and not live in this kind of state anymore.

Sorry to hear about your grandmother Windy City Irish. Agree with what was said about you not wanting her to suffer anymore. There is nothing wrong with that. I know that if my wife or I were in the same position we would want to pass on. Stay strong and believe in what your heart, mind and feelings are telling you.

[Yankee23]

Felt the same way about my father towards the end WCI

Good luck with everything bro

[Windy City Irish]

appreicate it guys.....

just doesnt sit right "hoping" someone will pass away soon, but i think we have all said to family and friends...."if you ever see me like this or that, please just shoot me"

[GFootsXtreme]

The comfort of these situations is only one, singular thing WCI.

It is simply the fact that other people, thousands, millions, have come before you with the same problems and issue. What you feel is completely natural and is correct...your brain is trying to resolve the conflict between feeling pain and wanting a long life to end, with knowing how wonderful that person is and never wanting her to be gone.

I have been in a personal situation where the person actually TELLS YOU that they want it to end...which you might think makes it better. The truth is nothing makes it feel better.

The most beneficial thing you can do in this case is let your other close family members know how you feel. They are feeling simliar things. Sharing those feelings together will make you all feel better knowing that you're in the same boat.

Very sorry to hear about the situation. Do not feel guilty about your feelings. Share them, and if something you feel is out of place, you may find that others who are sharing your pain will help you recenter yourself.

it's clear that losing her mentally over the last decade has taken a toll on you. it's Ok to want the best for her. She is no longer herself and your feelings are 100% natural.

[TheLink]

WCI, sorry to hear about your grandmother.

I had something similar with my grandmother (she had alzheimers) and got to the point didn't really know who anyone was anymore. Personally I think it is more painful to see them this way as you can no longer talk to them and they seem to be a walking zombie.

When my grandmother passed I was sad but as you are feeling very happy for her. It can't be a joy to need someone to do everything for you. Throw in the fact the nurses are heavily medicating them so they are easier to deal with they are better off when the end finally comes.

[cman]

I am sorry to hear about her.

One of the ways you can help deal with this is by viewing her as a new person. One of the worst decisions people make is not separating her state of mind from her health.

Bodies outlast the mind. Let her live her life now...it is her life ....it is not what you wanted or what she wanted....but it does not change the facts...

Enjoy her....

wde

[Windy City Irish]

just got back to Chicago last night.....

wow.....was that a sad sight to see. my grandmother is bedridden, has no clue anyone is around her, didnt even make one sound, move, and was just staring at the ceiling. The DNR is in place, they are going to try one more nourishment test and if that fails then they are just going to let her die on her own. should be sometime this week i believe

the second part is that my mother who has alzhymers (sp) is really starting to go downhill. she has gained 50lbs because she is forgetting even to go for walks now and gets winded walking up 5 steps. she cant cook without supervision, drive, house looks like an episode of hoarders, and cant remember anything past a couple of days out.

worst part is that when my grandmother dies my mother is going to have to go to assisted living because she lives in the family house and it needs to be sold. my aunt and uncles are making this decision based on their wanting money for the house...but whatever.

visits like that is sometimes why i am glad i have a 867 mile bufferzone between Boston and Chicago

[Keith]

Originally Posted by Windy City Irish

just got back to Chicago last night.....

wow.....was that a sad sight to see. my grandmother is bedridden, has no clue anyone is around her, didnt even make one sound, move, and was just staring at the ceiling. The DNR is in place, they are going to try one more nourishment test and if that fails then they are just going to let her die on her own. should be sometime this week i believe

the second part is that my mother who has alzhymers (sp) is really starting to go downhill. she has gained 50lbs because she is forgetting even to go for walks now and gets winded walking up 5 steps. she cant cook without supervision, drive, house looks like an episode of hoarders, and cant remember anything past a couple of days out.

worst part is that when my grandmother dies my mother is going to have to go to assisted living because she lives in the family house and it needs to be sold. my aunt and uncles are making this decision based on their wanting money for the house...but whatever.

visits like that is sometimes why i am glad i have a 867 mile bufferzone between Boston and Chicago

tough times.

Hang in there Dan.

[dave nz]

Originally Posted by Windy City Irish

so a moral question for CM


my grandmother has been living with dementia now for 10 years and of course it has gotten worse as time has gone along to the point that she has no clue who her children or grandchildren are, able to make a coherent sentence, or even walk.

i got word yesterday that she is in the hospital and her health is quite poor. she is no longer eating, she is basically a vegetable mumbling to herself all day in her room, and physically breaking down.

is it wrong for me to want this to end! I mean, who wants to live like that. I just feel bad for "kind of" wanting her to pass away so she can just be peaceful and not live in this kind of state anymore.

Going back about six years......My Grandfather (who I was close to) at the end was near this sort of state too. Guy was a champion, but I know exactly what he would have said in his younger days for a person living in this state, he wouldn't have wanted to be like that and would have wanted it over.
As you say no-one does.

That said, we let nature take its course. I wouldn't say I wanted him to go at any point, as I'm a person that makes the best of a bad situation whatever that may be. I visited him almost daily. When he went, made a speech at his funeral....it was actually very humerous and got alot of good feedback.

[iggs111]

Sorry to hear that Dan, had a similar situation with my nonna 2 years ago. Went to visit her up in Wisconsin and she had no idea who any of us where. She was there with her eyes open but it's like she was just staring into space. Such a sad thing to see as you love your grandmothers so much but you don't want to see them suffer. She passed away one day after I saw her. Glad she is resting now and not suffering. Hang in there buddy.