In the News

The Judge · #1 09-28-2006, 11:54 AM

Canada News: Responding to widespread criticism in Canada, the White House said today that the United States' practice of torturing innocent Canadian photojournalists was "under review."

Iran News: President Bush threatened Iran today that if it does not cease production of nuclear weapons it faces an undermanned invasion, inept occupation and incompetent reconstruction.

Mexico News: The new president of Mexico says that he wants to work with the U. S. to let people in Mexico work jobs that they want to in the United States. His campaign slogan was – "Mexico, love it and leave it."

Middle East Thought: Muslims all over the world are still rioting because they are upset with the Pope. I am thinking they should just calm down for a second and ask themselves, "What would Jesus do?"

National News: Oil has fallen to $60 a barrel. Experts predict it will continue to fall until exactly one minute after the polls close on November 7th.

Polling News: A new poll shows that the average six-year-old boy wants to be a policeman, a fireman and an astronaut when he grows up. Children today just assume you must have three jobs to make ends meet.

California News: A new al Qaeda video features an American from Orange County, California who has become a terrorist? You can tell he is from California because instead of infidel he says, "infi-dudes".

Utah News: It turns out arrested polygamist Warren Steed Jeffs inherited 12 of his 70 wives from his Dad? 12 of his wives used to be his step-mother. Wow, my Dad wouldn't even let me use his razor.

Virginia News: An angry Sen. George Allen admitted he is part Jewish when a reporter asked him if his French mother was Jewish. Allen called the question an aspersion. No politician wants to be thought of as part French.

Latest Headlines:
Middle East: Terrorist Network Unveils New Fall Schedule

Religion: False Prophet Files As Nonprofit.

Airline News: Airlines made the carrying on of some liquids legal on flights again. But only liquids bought in secure locations at airports. So basically you will have to buy a 3 ounce bottle of hair gel for $187.

Celebrity News: Kirstie Alley has lost seventy-five pounds by being on the Jenny Craig diet. Seventy-Five pounds? That's like losing both Olsen twins.

Clinton Update: Former president Bill Clinton objected to the casting of the actor who played him in the movie "Path to 9/11." But, all in all, I thought it was some of Larry the Cable Guy's best work.

Health News: A new study shows that vegetables such as broccoli, brussels sprouts and watercress can help kill cancer cells, while spinach can kill the entire the person.

Nelson Update: Willie Nelson's tour bus was stopped and he was arrested for possession of marijuana. Police said that the "probable cause" for the stop was, "It was a giant bus with Willie Nelson on the side."

Survivor Update: This season on "Survivor" the contestants have been divided into teams by race. That doesn't bode well for the white team during the "Dancing with Rhythm" immunity challenge.

Television News: A contestant on "Deal or No Deal" won $675,000. When asked about the winnings the contestant said, "I'm really glad I dropped out of high school and went into focusing on suitcase picking."

Squib Notes:
1. A hunch is creativity trying to tell you something.
2. A liberal is someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist.
3. A pseudo-intellectual is a person who knows what "pseudo" means.
4. A reactionary is a man whose political opinions always manage to keep up with yesterday.
6. May your life be like toilet paper - long and useful.

Quote of the Week: "George W. Bush is the right man to lead us in the era post whatever horrible calamity he leads us into next."