Twas the Night Before Christmas

The Judge · #1 12-24-2009, 09:06 PM

I need to give credit for the following rendition of this Xmas classic to a poster from MJ's named "Cow". Over the years, Cow has created a number of classic tales but this one is my all time favorite.

Enjoy fellas and Merry Christmas to all!

'Twas the night before Christmas and I really think,
That the only thing stirring was the straw in my drink.
As I studied my numbers for the next day's football,
By the chimney a sweat sock hung alone on the wall.

A hooker named Vixen was asleep in my bed,
She'd danced in my pants until Stanley was dead.
When up on the roof I heard a loud noise,
I wondered was it a thief or was it one of the boys.

So I rushed toward the window and looked up toward the sky,
And what should I see but this freakin' fat guy.
With a red suit and boots that came up to his knees,
I was boozed, but I swear it was Dom Deluise.

He had a big sleigh bein' pulled by reindeer,
He called one of 'em Dancer, so I assumed he was queer.
Then all of a sudden it became clear to me,
That son of a bitch planned to lift my TV.

Over his shoulder he had a big sack,
As he crept cross my roof I planned my attack.
I patiently waited 'til the timing seemed ripe,
Then Whack! On the head, Botta Bing with a pipe.

He fell to the floor with a groan and a thud,
I was kinda surprised that I didn't see blood.
Instead, he rolled over, looked me in the eye,
When I seen who I whacked, I near started to cry.

Shit! Sorry Santa! Will you be all right?
He just call me some names and said, "This ain't my night."
I got lost outside Philly, damn near hit some nun,
Got jacked near Detroit, Comet's got the runs.

I've Been working all night, really bustin' my hump,
Now I can't continue, feel the size of this lump!
He said, "I'll never make it. It's up to you now.
You've gotta take over, gotta be Santa Cow!"

I screamed, "You're effin' crazy! Find someone sober to ask!"
He just winked as he took a long pull off his flask.
Then he made me an offer that I couldn't refuse,
He said, "Visit each house... except for the Jews."

Finally getting the message, I climbed into his suit,
Put my smokes in a pocket and a pint in a boot.
I was off in a hurry, didn't wanna be late.
While Nick spent the night hosin' my date.

Yeah, that night I was Santa, bringin' kids joy and bliss,
And if you don't believe me, hey! Jingle this!
Since then every Christmas, I'm out there in the cold,
Riding shotgun with Santa, because he's fat and he's old.

Yes, I'm Santa's assistant, his number one guy,
So on this Christmas Eve don't you be surprised.
If you hear a voice say in between some loud moos,
"Merry Christmas to alllayuz... Hey! Where's my booze?