UNANIMOUS DECISION: Why you should Youtube Dan Quinn

[Loser From Toronto]

Dan Quinn staged his own personal war against drugs and lost. In his hundreds of batshit crazy YouTube rants, he brags about a tackle he made at Notre Dame: the greatest stop in college football history. I don't want to say he's overselling it, but when he finally shows the tape, he's one of 11 people jumping on the fullback. If they made a movie about it, Dan's character would be named "Football Player in Pile." Dan Quinn's Hall of Fame moment sounds like the caterer for Braveheart claiming he won the Oscar for Best Picture.

After single-handedly conquering collegiate football, Dan went on to an unsuccessful career as a mixed martial artist. The head wounds from that, plus the methamphetamines, have left him with only one thing: stevia. Stevia is a type of sweetener that Dan Quinn uses to maintain his ordinary but very shirtless physique. It turns water into soapy water through a process Dan calls "cold fission." None of it makes any sense. The only thing I'm sure of is that Dan used the last of his money to invest in some bizarre artificial sweetener pyramid scheme. Also, Dan Quinn's artificial sweetener brought his mom's cat back from the dead and he called her a bitch for not appreciating it.

For me, the special moments in his videos is when he stops to address only the ladies. I'm not sure if I was supposed to be listening, but Dan has a lovemaking technique that involves jabbing you just above your g-spot by the pubic bone and stomach wall with two fingers and then performing something that sounds like cunnilingus but more disgusting. He describes the female vagina like a fifth century gynecologist with Tourette's Syndrome. Yet somehow, isolated in his mother's guest room, he invented the idea of engaging two erogenous zones at the same time. Sexually speaking, that's not unlike Leonardo da Vinci conceptualizing the helicopter far from the era where it was possible to build one.

In more than one video, Dan claims that this generous technique brought Chris and Karen to orgasm once a minute for over two hours. He never explains who Chris and Karen are, but they've got to be real. Otherwise, why would they have common first names? Dan probably just thinks we know them. "Oh, Karen Karen!? Yeah, that girl goes crazy when you scoop out her pubic bone with two fingers! Last week her jaw seized and now she has to eat by rubbing soup on her teeth!"

Most women are looking for a man who's such a giving lover that he's literally offering it to anyone on the Internet. Luckily, Dan always ends his monologues about vaginas with an invitation to wrap yours around his probing fingers. Strangely, he never says what he's looking for in a woman. If I had to guess, I'd say he's on the kind of dry spell that has him asking petting zoo employees what kind of security they have at night.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p-XZM_AWV6M

[Loser From Toronto]

this entire videos dialouge deserves to be written on a scroll of gold, and forever be preserved for all to enjoy.

"i tell ya what, if we were locked up in prison, and i was gay, ok, youd be writing your mom-

"oh my god mom, oh my god, oh, please, mom please, get me out- oh, and send astroglyde, oh my god my *beep beep beep* hurts so much!"

[Trossi3389]

[Mendoza Line]

After this guy shoots someone, all of these videos will be the subject of the "how could we have missed all the evidence of his mental illness?" discussion.